Look Away
by RayShippouUchiha
Summary: Or the five crew members who wished they didn't know the truth and the one who refused to look away from it.  Warnings:  Implied abuse, rape, Tarsus, and K/S *Set in Bedtime Stories Universe*


AN: Seriously you guys spoil me. All of the reviews for Bedtime Stories has me jumping off the walls and laughing with sheer glee. As such I am hard at work on the next chapter but this one jumped into my head just like "Let me help" and it just would not let go. Oh and Chekov doesn't have an accent in this because it is from his point of view so I hope that doesn't bother anyone.

Warning: Pretty much like all the rest of my Star Trek fics: Abuse, hints of rape, Tarsus and K/S

Look Away

Or the five crew members who wished they didn't know the truth and the one who refused to look away from it.

(Extremely long I know)

* * *

**Bones is one.**

* * *

Leonard has always suspected that something was not quite right with Jim's past. He could see it in the kid's eyes, saw it in the way he moved sometimes when he thought no one was looking.

He found it in a little under 3,285 meals through out the three years he had known him, each one forced down an almost unwilling throat. Eventually he found himself looking for the signs everywhere and he was shocked at the number that he found.

One is in the way he flinches whenever Leonard slaps a hand on his shoulder from behind; when someone touches him in passing if he isn't expecting it. The way he barely sleeps if he can help it and the way he watches every little detail of everyone around him. Hyper-vigilance is too mild a term for Jim sometimes.

Jim doesn't speak about his family at all and that is another sign because Leonard knows that his mother is alive and well. Everyone knows about the wife of the great George Kirk. Yet Jim doesn't go home for holidays or breaks, never has any mail from home or care packets like so many of the others do. Even Leonard gets things from his daughter from time to time. Jim gets nothing but that ice blue look in his eyes every time someone mentions his mother or his childhood.

Another is in the way Jim played chess, his movements cold, calculated in a way that was at odds with the normally livewire blonde's day to day personality. It chilled Leonard because ever game seemed like life or death to Jim, every pawn sacrificed a lost friend. He called himself crazy and laid off the booze for a week straight thinking that it was the alcohol clouding his judgment but when it didn't go away he just stopped watching Jim play.

Out of sight, out of mind.

It's not until the day after the _Narada_ incident when he realizes that Jim hadn't slept for damn near four days but still seemed fine did he admit to himself that something was wrong.

After all no one who isn't a Vulcan can sit through having three broken ribs, a shattered hand, and an almost collapsed throat being repaired without at least wincing. No one that is except someone who had dealt with much worse.

It's only when he gets Jim's shirt off and sees for the first time _God how had he missed it, how could he overlook something like that_ the serial number _burned_ into his friends lower back does he connect all the past dots. Those other scars that Jim carries no longer have innocent explanations attached to them.

It is only later in his quarters when he is crouched over his toilet heaving up everything he hadn't eaten in the last three days , a newly authorized medical file on the floor beside him that the truth hit him. Leonard was a doctor, a _goddamn doctor_, and he had seen the signs but had looked away.

He can not help but wonder how many others in the past have done just that.

* * *

**Uhura is two.**

* * *

She remembers Kirk pretty well, after all he had made one hell of an impression on her the first time they met in that bar. An impression, but she never said it was a good one.

She had seen that fuck-me smile and those too-bright-to-be-true blue eyes and had dismissed him as the drunken slob he had seemed to be. So the next morning when he smirked at her from his seat on the cadet shuttlecraft she had been rather disgruntled over the fact that she would have to deal with him for the next four years.

She was mistaken because it was only three years not four before things went to hell in an almost awe-inspiring way. She is shocked and pissed when Kirk is aboard the _Enterprise_ when she knows good and damn well that he is supposed to be grounded _for once in his life can't he do anything right? Does he have to piss off everyone?_

She gets her first inkling that something is off with Kirk, that something doesn't really fit with him when he goads Spock into violence on the bridge. Later when it is all over she sits in her dorm room that seemed so empty now _Gaila was in another room now because almost everyone was dead and there were plenty to spare_ and she recalls the incident in her mind.

She knew now why Kirk had done what he had, understood even if she didn't like it, even if it pissed her off. That fight just sat wrong with her though she could not put her finger on exactly why. She combed over the scene in her head, watched as Kirk went flying back against the consol, shirt lifting off his flat stomach and lean back when it hits her.

There had been something there, a tattoo or something that looked like letters or numbers, she wasn't really sure since she was so far away at the time, but what ever it was just seems so out of place on him. That isn't what bothers her the most though, isn't what stands out in her eyes. It's the fight itself and the look that he has when Spock's hands wrapped around his throat, those devil blue eyes hot and almost _glowing_ in his face.

Kirk was an academy TA in hand-to-hand combat, she knew that without a doubt he was exceptionally gifted in the area. So maybe that explained how he took punches and snaps from a Vulcan without really flinching, how he had remained so cool when hands had tried to steal his life away. 'Maybe,' she tries to tell herself, 'maybe that was the reason those blue eyes looked so calm and accepting and he had been able to shake off Spock's attack as soon as it was over like it was nothing.'

'Maybe,' something in the back of her mind suggests, 'maybe that isn't the reason at all.'

It isn't tell nine months later when _Captain_ Kirk willfully takes a beating for her and still has the strength to fight off the thralls on Triskelion that she finally admits to herself that it was all a lie.

She saw him without a shirt on for the first time, _truly saw him because that day in the dorm with Gaila she had been too angry to notice much_ and she could no longer deny the truth.

That strange mark she had seen before was a tattoo but not the kind one gets willingly. It was a brand, a _fucking brand_ and she can not bare to think of how he got it, or the scars that are so similar to but so much older than the fresh whip marks on his back. Now she knows that there is something dark and dangerous behind that fuck-me smile and those too-bright-to-be-true blue eyes and she wishes everyday that she could forget the truth.

She knows that she never will.

* * *

**Sulu is three.**

* * *

He's heard rumors about Kirk, just about everyone around the academy had, but their first real meeting takes him slightly off guard. He is nicer than Hikaru expected; not the stuck up jackass that some had described. He is calm, collected, and he is sitting there in that shuttlecraft like he had faced situations like this before, _like life and death was an old game to him and he played well_ while Hikaru is about ready to piss his pants and is wishing that he had kept quiet.

He's glad he didn't though, because Vulcan had needed his help and if he hadn't gone then he wouldn't have seen that side of Kirk and he can never regret that. That doesn't stop him from being dazed and confused over the fact that Kirk had jumped _with no hesitation in his step he had leapt off that drill like his life didn't matter to him at all_ and Hikaru knew that Kirk knew the parachute would never hold their weight. All it would do was slow them down enough so that maybe the _Enterprise_ would have a chance to catch them.

It turns out alright in the end, _or as alright as things can be when over six billion people are dead and a planet isn't were it should be anymore._ He gets his assignment and he couldn't be happier to serve under Kirk because he knows already that the Captain would give his life for his crew and Hikaru has never liked the idea of being expendable.

They become friends while they're out in the black. Hikaru teaches Captain 'It's-Jim-when-we're-off-duty-Sulu' Kirk how to fence but finds he is better, much better, too much better to not have had any real experience with a short knife instead of a sword. Jim teaches him how to hand someone their ass six different ways that he didn't already know without ever picking up a weapon.

They change in the locker room together sometimes, idle chatter filling the air and Hikaru catches a glimpse of the burn tattoo on his lower back and the multitude of scars but manages to catch himself before he asks about them. If Jim wants him to know he will tell him.

Jim is a considerate friend and captain. He visits Hikaru in his botany labs when it is his turn to be stationed there. He listens as he waxes on about his plants and his experiments and never once makes him think that he is wasting his time on something so unmanly as flowers like so many others have done before.

Instead he shares his own opinions, his surprisingly informed opinions, about certain plants and their attributes. Tells Hikaru just how affective some are in treating wounds and confuses him when they start discussing the ones that are edible but not wildly popular.

"They taste like shit." Jim says to him one afternoon in the lab over a tray of split leaf greens that hold small nutritional value but grow in abundance on various planets across the nearby systems. "Their taste is horrible but they'll keep the hunger at bay for a while." It is an off hand statement made in a throw away manner but Hikaru can not help but wonder about it.

Those plants didn't grow on Earth and why, why would Jim care about how well something would hold back hunger?

Sometimes he wasn't sure he wanted to know.

* * *

**Scotty was four.**

* * *

He had liked Kirk the minute he had spoken with him. After all Jimmy had gotten him off of that icy death trap and onto the most beautiful lady he had ever seen. He had recognized the fever in the other males eyes when they had spoken about the _Enterprise_, knew that the same bright, desperate love was in his own.

He had liked the boy, but he hadn't been too impressed with him at first. He looked like every other slick kid who passed through the academy with nothing but their charm and an over inflated ego. That had changed though when Kirk had hacked that coolant tank in less time than it took him to reach it and saved Scotty from being killed by the beautiful lady herself.

Immediately Scotty knew that if he ever got assigned to a ship he wanted Kirk on his engineering team.

Then it turned out the opposite and Kirk was in charge of him and the whole ship but Scotty was still pleased because he knew that the young captain loved his lady just as much as Scotty did. Besides being out in the black with a captain who is as devoted to his ship as Jim is isn't a horrible thing.

The boy _because sometimes he looks so young with his old old eyes and his too bright grin that is all wrong_ spends a lot of time in Engineering in the beginning, almost too much since there doesn't seem to be enough time left over each night for him to sleep. His visits slow some when he makes friends with Sulu and most of the bridge crew but Scotty still sees him a few times a week and his trained eyes notice the scars.

He doesn't even bother to hide the not-so-small distillery that he had set up in his own private corner of the deck from Jim. Instead he is comfortable with the knowledge that Jim doesn't trust anyone but himself and his Chief Engineer with those precious engines and invites him down for drinks. They have many nights together, sipping rotgut and slinging shit back and forth with easy camaraderie.

Things go to hell one day when an away mission goes wrong and Kirk manages to slink his way down to Scotty's deck and hide away in a jefferies-tube, downing a bottle of Saurian brandy like he has gills and doesn't need to breath.

He's hiding from McCoy again, because he doesn't like those hypos and the way the drugs make him feel. Doesn't like the loss of control that he doesn't experience when he drinks because he knows his limit and can hold his liquor. Those damn needles are another story,

Scotty joins him and between the two of them they down more alcohol than can technically be healthy and it gives them both unusually loose lips. Scotty asks about the scars and in a rare moment of sharing Jim tells him.

He tells him about another planet and the first real home he had ever known, about hard work but peaceful living and how everything was perfect until it wasn't anymore. He tells him about running, and trees and dogs snapping at his heels. About other children and doing everything he could to feed them, about plants that tasted like ash and hate but managed to keep them alive a little bit longer. About blood and snow and tears and little dead bodies that used to be alive, _should_ be alive but aren't. He tells him about whips and burning skin and how he will never be clean again _oh God he just wanted to be clean_ no matter what he does.

Scotty is so very sorry that he asked and he just wishes that Jim will stop telling him. Eventually they both pass out and when he wakes up in the morning Jim is gone and the visits stop after that day for months on end. Scotty is ashamed that he is almost relieved that Jim has begun to keep his distance, but he doesn't think he can look the Captain in the eye right now without breaking down.

* * *

**Chekov makes five.**

* * *

Pavel has always admired the Captain. He was so very bright and active, so full of life and light and just plain radiance. He had captivated him from the moment he had burst onto the bridge of the _Enterprise_ and declared that they were warping into an attack. He continued to captivate him now that he actually has the starship under his command for at least the next five years.

The Captain is a kind man, he isn't really too much older than Pavel so he tends to see him more as a brother than a commanding officer. When Pavel lets that slip just after his eighteenth birthday when he is in a rather morose mood because he is homesick and embarrassed Jim _because if they are going to be family then it is Jim instead of Kirk_ takes it seriously.

He surprises Pavel by greeting him in shaky Russian the next morning, those quicksilver eyes light for once when he explains that he plans to learn the language so that they can talk without anyone knowing (except Uhura of course) what they are saying. Pavel is flattered and almost not ashamed of the tears that try and prick his eyes at the other males thoughtfulness.

The lessons go well and Jim takes to Russian with a surprising easy and it is not long before they are joking on the bridge in Pavel's native language much to that amazement of the rest of the crew. They grow close and Jim treats him like an officer, a kid brother, and most of all an equal.

They make it through Triskelion along with Uhura and Pavel has never been so grateful to see a planet left behind because all he can remember is Jim's sharp eyes and twisted smile as the lash rained down on him.

He confides in Jim about so many things, listens with open ears to the older males advice. He tells him of his misgivings about his age and his experience, about his unsure feelings about Hikaru. He takes his words to heart when Jim tells him to take a chance, to go after what he wants. So six weeks later when he is dizzy and giddy because he wasn't alone anymore Jim is the first one he seeks out and tells.

There is a funny, almost wistful look on Jim's face when Pavel spouts off his happiness in Standard broken by random bursts of Russian and hugs his neck in joy. Their time together shortens though, because now Pavel has to spend more time with Hikaru and Jim knows that and tell him it's alright. They still meet up but it is less and less. There are fewer jokes in Russian on the bridge because now Pavel has Hikaru right beside him keeping him entertained and Jim never seems to mind.

It's only when he is on the ground, body crushed into a small ball beneath his Captain's larger form does he realize just how much he had missed the other man. Things had went horribly wrong as they were inclined to do on the away mission and the natives had turned unexpectedly hostile. The Captain had tried to calm them but his bright hair and pale eyes had scared the planet's inhabitants, making them whisper of devils and evil. They thought the same of Pavel and they were lucky the people were content to throw rocks and not risk coming any closer to them to do more damage than they already were.

It takes forever for them to get out of the situation, they are surrounded with nowhere to run, and the Prime Directive prevents them from doing much since technically their lives were not in danger from rocks just yet. Still the Captain was taking a beating and he was determined to keep Pavel from taking one as well. Mr. Scott finally beams them up, Jim still wrapped around his body when they hit the transporter pad.

Pavel doesn't have a scratch but Jim has hairline fractures, bruises, cracked ribs, and a concussion. He waves everyone off and pats Pavel on the head like it wasn't a big deal, finally allows Dr. McCoy to bandage him up and then takes off for the bridge like it was an every day occurrence.

Dr. McCoy shakes his head and there is sadness in his eyes when he tells Pavel not to worry, that Jim, the Captain, has had much worse in his life than a few _fractures_. Pavel doesn't want to think about it. Doesn't want to imagine the man who learned Russian for him, who helped him so often as being anything but happy. He doesn't want the image in his head of Jim smiling at him around the blood on his face as if his wounds don't matter.

That is all he can see in his mind so eventually he trains himself not to look directly at the Captain at all.

Sometimes though he misses those blue eyes and that quick smile that always had that comforting Russian right behind it.

* * *

**In which Spock is the one.**

* * *

James Kirk is an enigma and Spock is human enough to find him fascinating and Vulcan enough to try his hardest not to show it.

It starts with the _Kobayashi Maru_ and a victory that should have never taken place. The trial brought him face to face with the male for the first time. He had kept his cool, outwardly unshaken at those _ha'pla-kur_ eyes above that blood red uniform, but inside, in that place that he did not want to admit existed, in that all too human place he was slightly shaken.

There was a wild intensity to those eyes, the pigment a shade he had never come across though he knew it existed elsewhere for eye color is not created for just one person alone. Still though he must admit, if only for the sake of being honest with himself, that he has never seen eyes like those before. There is a wild fire there, a burning devouring thing that is as cold as it is hot and Spock finds that even in a crowded room while the man is on _trial_ he has a hard time looking away.

The fascination gets worse after that though it is mingled with a rage that would make his ancestors of the pre-Surak era proud. It's when his hands are around Kirk's neck and all he can hear is his blood rushing through his veins and all he can feel is the oddly calm and almost passive emotions from the body beneath him that he realizes something is not right. His father's voice snaps him out of it and he is instantly contrite though he does not show it.

Planets die and planets are saved, they manage to return to Earth and still Spock can not shake that fascination. He requests assignment as Kirk's First Officer because of it and would have been relieved had he been able to be anxious when the man accepted with glee.

He is not surprised by the bridge crew. He knew after he spoke with his alternate self that their destinies were forever intertwined.

He watches the Captain, studies his every move and motion and files away the things that do not add up. His distraction causes Nyota much frustration and ultimately it leads to the termination of their relationship. Perhaps it should bother him that he feels no real remorse over the loss of their intimacy but he is Vulcan and emotions are illogical.

He does not consider fascination an emotion because it is not quiet obsession and thus it is acceptable.

He decides to extend a proverbial olive branch, a truce of sort between them though there is no longer any real conflict. He invites Kirk for chess and dinner in his room and when the night is over it is Jim and his fascination has taken one step closer to being obsession and he does not really mind as much as he should.

They spend more and more time together, their days and evenings intertwined with one another. He continues to collect those small pieces of Jim that he finds in odd places.

Meal times are strange since the male never seems truly comfortable with food and he eats with an almost mechanical air about him.

Chess with Jim is a like an actual battle and Spock can not help but wonder what it is that drives him so hard with each game. He watches Russian lessons come and go, sees trips to Engineering slow and then stop altogether. Yet with each change around him that same smile never seems to leave Jim's face.

Spock has never been poetic but he feels that if he were to start his muse would be Jim. The man seemed to inspire all sorts of emotional responses from him. He had since they had first met.

He finds one thing that fascinates him more than Jim's mind and it is his body.

He sees more of it than he probably would have had he not been the First Officer and a Science Officer. He is practically attached to the Captain's hip during missions and is never more than a stones throw away during the few off days they do not spend together. He sees him in various states of dress and undress. Sees him covered in blood and bandages and has to force himself to leave the room to keep from denting the rails of the bio-bed with his superior strength.

His eyes are exceptionally sharp and he see the scars on Jim almost immediately. They are everywhere. From thin white lines that have faded until they are invisible to the human eye on his hands and arms, to those thick painful scars on his back.

The branded tattoo on his back is particularly fascinating _having the urge to lick it is entirely inappropriate and shall never happen_ and his curiosity grows by the day.

He does things he never thought he would, breaks rules he had always upheld in order to bring his Captain back safely. He is emotionally compromised but he can not find the strength this time to turn himself in.

Before long it feels as if he is chasing the Captain, following behind him through a series of twists and turns until neither of them know where they are going and neither are sure if they even care.

Somewhere between Alpha Aradoni II and Zeon they kiss and the chase is taken to a whole other level. He can see the pain in Jim's eyes, knows that there are things he wants to tell him, things Jim wants to share but is afraid to speak out loud. Others had left him when his secrets were discovered and Jim does not want to lose Spock.

So they are together in Spock's chambers, the chess board forgotten between them as they sit in blissful silence, each relishing the others company in their own way. Spock leans forward and before he can stop himself he speaks, "I would have your thoughts." He almost wishes he could take the words back but regret is illogical so he says nothing.

Jim is startled he can tell and there is naked fear in his eyes that Spock can read easily but he sighs and shakes himself before nodding his head in acceptance.

His fingers find Jim's psi-points with deceptive ease and the meld is so smooth that even Spock barely notices the transition from two to one. In one moment there is Jim and Spock and in the next they are everywhere in and around each other. He dives deeply into the mind before him, the freedom he has been given is a heady and intoxicating thing when he realizes just how much Jim trusts him.

So he sifts through the others mind and all of those pieces that he had managed to collect over their time together finally fit into place and to say he was stunned would have been putting it mildly.

It is all there.

The reason behind his discomfort with food, _when you saw people die, murdered over something like moldy bread it seemed to lose its appeal._

The chess games are battles that he had lived through reenacted on the board and every opposing king is _Kodos_ and every pawn or piece that he loses is a _delicate little body that should still be breathing, God why aren't they breathing. Please._

He knows the story behind each scar, _Winona, Frank, Kodos, a car and a cliff, dark trees and blood on snow, whips and hands and claws that would not stop touching him not matter how hard he thrashed._

He sees the brand take form. _It's his serial number, like in the old Earth days, and it is used to keep track of him until it is his turn to die. He tried to get away from it, tried to keep them from burning it into his skin. He struggled and fought but his bonds were tight and then all he could feel was the pain and all he could smell was the scent of his own flesh as it burnt beneath hot metal._

He sees everything, and when he pulls away Jim's eyes are wet with tears and Spock can see the desolation, the expectation of his departure in them. All Spock can see is those _ha'pla-kur_ eyes and that _kin-kur hair _and he knows that he will never leave Jim now, will never look away from him as so many others had.

Instead his hands reach out, fingertips whisper soft as they brush across Jim's in a gesture they body understand. Jim's eyes widen and then there is hot wet mouths and scared skin and Spock finally gets to run his tongue delicately across that brand and nothing has ever felt this good.

Spock knows that they have a long way to go, that things will not be easy but he intends to see them through until the very end.

He had finally seen Jim in all of his states and he refused to look away ever again.

There was beauty in his obsession and if he had to be driven to such emotions he could find no better trigger than too-blue eyes and that tattooed brand.

* * *

AN: Right so yeah, once again I wrote this in one sitting because it would not go away and I hope that it turned out alright. So please tell me what you think and maybe if you have any 5 and 1 prompts that you would like me to possible attempt you will drop me a line. Thank you so very much.


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